Despite my oft-stated intentions to balance work and creativity, my list once again ran off the charts. I’ve got this exciting new project (more on that soon) and if I am to manifest it I must tackle it – chunk by chunk.
So there’s that list. And here’s my deep desire and intention to write, to continue to post on my blogs. And there’s all the other stuff that needs to be done just to keep household and life functioning. And over here is this other list of actual paying work projects.
Of course that last takes precedence. So yesterday morning I set my Pomodoro timer (a cool time management tool I’m trying out) and got busy. I thought it would take one “Pomodoro” (25 minutes) to write up a quote for this freelance project. Of course it took closer to three.
What’s next? The writing. It’s calling me, right? It’s been a while since I’ve updated either blog. The stories write themselves in my head while jogging, while in the shower or when I’m out in the garden pulling up some weeds. Time to get some of them down on paper.
Couldn’t remember any of it.
Instead, a deep exhaustion grabbed a hold of me. My eyes were literally closing. What the hell was going on? I’d barely finished sipping on my morning cup of coffee that usually keeps me wired till lunch.
I have had this weird stomach ache for a couple of days. Am I sick? Is it writer’s block? Or, am I paralyzed because of my fears about my new project?
The Busy Beast was pissed – how can I even think about walking away from my desk now? When would all this stuff get done?
But I knew it was time to devote some energy to the being instead of doing. The ‘doing’ part of my brain wanted that to be something creative – something I don’t set aside time for - like my vision board.
But even that seemed like work. That exhaustion gripped me, my brain felt enveloped in fog.
I lay down on the couch and watched the sun playing with the clouds, the intermittent beams illuminating the burgeoning spring outside my window. Just a quick power nap, I told myself. Then maybe I’ll get back to work. Or at least do some reading, or art, or gardening…
My eyes closed and despite the recent caffeine infusion I immediately slipped into a deep dream.
I’m swimming in a deep and turbulent ocean, battling the waves, working to keep my head above water. I want to just let go. To stop trying so hard.
Drowning really wouldn’t be such a bad way to go, I find myself thinking. Just give it up to the sea.
So I let go, and then I’m sinking, sinking. It’s beautiful. But water fills my mouth. Panicked I try to swim upwards. I can see the surface of the water, the sun shimmering above it. But it’s too far up, I’ve sunk nearly to the ocean floor.
The panic gives way to relief. This is it then.
Next I’m flailing on hard ground, I’m spitting out water, surrounded by strangers. I’m rescued, I’m alive! I don’t know how or why, or who these rescuers are.
And then of course I woke up.
What does that mean?? I wondered.
I’d pulled the Angel Card “Surrender” two days in a row. Both times, I looked at this card and thought, surrender to what?
Down there, in that dreamscape ocean, I surrendered.
I think it has to do with letting go of all the expectations of Ego, of Bitchy Inner Critic. These injunctions that if I don’t meet my self-imposed deadlines and goals that all is lost, I may as well give up, I surely don’t have what it takes.
Surrender is about relinquishing all of that. Surrender is about acceptance and trust and realizing I don’t have to fight and struggle to arrive at my desired destination. In fact, fighting and struggling takes me backward rather than forward.
It’s the opposite of Push. The reverse of “Just Make It Happen.”
It’s about giving up control.
And it’s the antithesis of how I’ve lived so far. Surrender? It just seems weak somehow, not potent. It’s a word for losers. It’s – well, not at all the way my ego wants me to live, or to be seen.
Surrender is incredibly frightening. I have a feeling it will prove to be incredibly empowering.
I’m wondering, what does surrender mean to you? Positive or negative connotations?