, ,

It feels like free fall.

Or is it flying?

Might I be able to soar somewhere I can’t even now see, if I just let go?

One of the first things I did this year was dive into my friend C.A. Kobu’s new project, A Year With Myself. I’m not going to explain too much about it here  – just click on the link and find out for yourself.  Suffice it to say that, for me, the timing for this is just right.

Dozens, if not hundreds, of women – teachers, experts, healers, authors, dreamers – are participating in AYWM by offering essays, meditations, inspirations, and actionable ideas. Each week will offer a new prompt, a chance to explore a path to transformation – or just to get to know some amazing women.

I plan to participate by following along each week,  finding fuel for my writing and juicy motivation from these prompts. And sometime later on this year I will offer some of my own expertise in the self care / natural healing arena.

The very first essay and prompt from Patti Digh struck a nerve.

She asks, What spaces are you standing between? Now, and then? Here, and there? Whole, and broken?

It’s such a scary feeling to be in that ‘in-between’ space.  I used to have an identity that people could recognize. Friends still introduce me as “the former owner of Moonrise Herbs.” Or sometimes they say “she was the editor of EcoNews.”

They do that because it helps folks to understand what I’m about. It makes sense. But I cringe a little inside when it happens.

Because I have no words to explain who I am right now. Now I’m in this limbo of the ‘in-between.’

It’s not like I haven’t been here before. It took me  years to let go of the monkey bar that was Moonrise Herbs. What would I do, I wondered? Who would I be? Was there life after Moonrise?

Finally (with a little kick in the butt from the Universe), I let go of that bar. And I’ve been grabbing onto different bars ever since. Trying on new hats, learning new skills, playing in new playgrounds. It’s been so much fun and I’m so glad I let go of that safe monkey bar.

And now, here I am – 50 years old and no specific professional identity. The girls are grown and their need for mothering is sporadic at best. I will always be ‘Mom,’ but that doesn’t define my life anymore. I am in the space between. I peer around, looking hard for that next trapeze bar,  so I can grasp it and swing into…what?

To say that this state of unknowing is uncomfortable would be more than an understatement.

Yet Patti Digh says that it is these very in-between spaces that true growth and change occurs.

If I frantically grab at the next monkey bar in sight – just because it’s so disconcerting to be in this state of free fall – I may forfeit this opportunity to grow into something bigger than I am now. A detour could cause me to miss my true passion.  My ‘thing’. The one that will serve others as much as it serves myself.

So. Time to grow some wings I guess. Hang glide for a while in this empty space of in between.